Glass Half Empty Challenge

Welcome to “Good Mythical More.

” We’re gonna continue our spirit of corn hole by scorning some scenarios that are easier to make positive.

So it’s kind of the opposite of We’re Still Good.

It’s we’re still bad.

But first, let’s play Ready, Pet, Go! We try to name the pet that you show us a picture of using the hashtag GMMReadyPetGo.

This submission is from Blueseph.

Blueseph.

Bluecipher.

Wow, this cat has its own- Shrine.

Portrait.

I mean, you know, I got portraits of my dogs in my creative house office.

Those are some bold, healthy looking whiskers.

Yeah, they are.

They kind of undersold him in the portrait.

Yeah.

Thurston! Ooh, that was good.

You like that? Thurston? Thurston, he’s real regal.

You know that whiskers evolved to be the width of a healthy cat’s body so that it can know if its body can fit through things.

So if your cat is overweight, that’s a problem ’cause the whiskers don’t grow proportionate to its overweight-ness.

Oh.

I learned that last night.

I was watching some Netflix show about cats.

I thought you were gonna say I was watching Sokka try to go into a hole and realizing that- It’s like “Inside the Mind of Cats,” and they did have this one part where they kept making the hole smaller and smaller, to see if the cat could go through it.

Also talked about how the collar bones in a cat are not anchored to more bone, but that they’re just like floating.

.

.

They float more.

In like cartilage or something.

In the muscle, so like it’s basically- That’s why they can just like jump of buildings and go through it.

Totally dislocated.

That’s why they can go through like a four inch hole.

It’s like a jelly fish.

It’s a jelly cat.

Yeah.

I mean, it really made me appreciate my cat.

Honestly, it kind of makes me fear them even more.

And did you know that they have whiskers.

.

.

Of course there’s some on the eyebrows too, but there’s some on the back of the paw.

Like behind the paw they have those same whiskers, you know? For what? To see if they can stick their hand in something? It’s for parallel parking.

Oh, got it, that’s it.

Scrumptious.

Crow.

Crow.

I mean, you got those crow like eyes.

Black, it’s a black cat.

All right, okay, got it, Crow.

Crow.

Hey, send us your pets, #GMMReadyPetGo, we will incorrectly name them.

Okay, I am going to give you absolutely- This hair, what in the world? Positive shining things, and then you’re gonna tell me the downside of those.

We want to Debbie down it.

Stevie.

Stevie Downer.

Stevie Down.

Yes.

A double rainbow on a warm summer day.

The worst part about a double rainbow on a warm sunny day is all the idiots that will be next to you with their cameras out trying to recreate a viral moment because of what happened about 10 years ago.

May he rest in peace.

You know, he died.

The double rainbow guy is dead.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, he is.

Poor guy.

Think about that for a few moments.

As happy as he was, look at him now.

Totally dead.

In spite of his dead, and in spite of the fact that he can no longer sing that song, there are many people out there trying to fill his shoes.

But his shoes will never be filled.

And you know what, every time you try to do it, every time you get super excited about a double rainbow, you annoy the person next to you who is just trying to enjoy a moment in nature and not think about how it translates to Instagram.

Not to mention, every time you see a double rainbow, that’s one normal rainbow you won’t see, because there’s only a set number of rainbows.

Mm-hmm, yep, yep.

You watched a rainbow documentary on Netflix last night.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There’s a predetermined number of rainbows in all of history, past, present, future.

And also, when God runs out of rainbows, the world ends.

Right.

‘Cause you know the rainbow- So it’s one step closer to the total annihilation of all life as you know it.

It not only means Gay Pride, it also means that God is not going to flood the earth.

That’s true, right.

Okay, you’re pretty good at this.

Rhett, I like you stated kind of the question in your answer back to me at the top and I appreciate that.

Well, I’m media trained.

Yeah.

He thinks that you’re edited out.

Yeah.

No, I’m media trained.

Old Debbied out.

Do you remember that? We actually did- Media trained.

We got media trained by the ad agency for Alka-Seltzer back in 2008, when they were gonna send us out on the road, and they were like, you gotta make all these videos, but also we’re gonna try to get you on TV, radio, talking about what you’re doing.

Get interviewed.

And that was one of the.

.

.

Maybe the only thing that I remember from that media training is that finding a way to restate the question in your answer is a compelling way to speak, because then the soundbite will make sense.

The thing that I remember is kind of the opposite.

It’s no matter what they ask you, answer whatever it is you wanna talk about.

That’s also correct.

Right.

Like a political strategy.

Yeah.

I don’t watch people be interviewed.

Unless it’s a Longform podcast, it’s not in my life anymore.

But every time- Especially that stuff where it’s like, no one’s answering the question they’re asked.

Uh uh.

Well, so that’s kind of the wonderful thing about podcasts, right? Because, because people do answer questions.

Because, because, because! But the thing is, is that any time you watch a politician on a news show, you see the media training at play.

They’re like, I have four things that I’m going to say.

If you’ve been media trained.

And that’s it.

To most people, I think they’re like, oh, they’re just dodging the question.

Which is exactly what they’re doing.

Sad, that’s sad, it’s a sad, yeah.

Your dog suddenly waking up with the power to speak perfect English.

Yeah, but all she’s saying is, “Stop farting under the bed sheets “’cause that’s where I am.

” You know, I feel bad.

You know, it’s like, should I? I’m kind of afraid of what she would say.

She seems more much opinionated these days.

Why are you singling out just Jade? Oh, Jasper wouldn’t say negative.

He’s a bundle of positivity.

But Jade is like.

.

.

If she’s in a spot and you wanna move her, it’s like .

This is why you don’t want your dog speaking in English to you, and that is because a lot of the things that are happening with your dog on a daily basis that you interpret as love, like them licking you, or them licking your hand, or them coming up and touching you, if that was translated into English, like it is on that TikTok channel with that big dog that hits the things, and apparently is having some sort of crisis.

Bunny.

Bunny’s having a crisis.

What? She’s not having a crisis.

She thinks she a human.

People are putting together this conspiracy theory-esque thing that she thinks she’s a human stuck in a dog’s body and that’s where all of her answers come from and she’s like.

.

.

Yeah.

It’s a thing.

That’s horrible.

If ain’t broke, don’t make them talk.

So what I’m getting at is the fact that if you could actually hear what your dogs were saying, it would be much less loving than you think it is, and you would learn that you’re probably going to be eaten by the dog if you die.

I don’t think so.

In fact, I was listening to that podcast “A Short History,” and it was a short history of the Irish Potato Famine, and one of the interesting things that happened to the dog population during the Irish Potato Famine is that while all the people were starving over the point of about seven years, all the dogs got incredibly fat, because they were eating all the dead bodies.

So you think your dogs are just.

.

.

You see those Instagram posts where the dogs go and hang out next to the grave of an owner? It’s because they want to eat the body, okay? No.

That’s what they’re thinking, guys.

Get your head out of the double rainbow.

All right, guys, I’m having a mic issue, can you hear me? Yeah, I can.

I don’t know if the folks at home can.

Oh, god! You trying to make your way up here? It’s okay.

Are you trying to throw your voice? What on Earth? Did you press your button too hard, Stevie? What happened? Wait, you can’t hear me now, can you? Nope.

Nope.

Can you hear me? Nope.

What about me? Just give me a moment! Just yell at us.

Stevie has this yelling voice that’s not actually yelling, it’s just a different character.

Guys, I almost had a major injury.

Okay, it’s my yelling voice! A major injury just happened.

Tell us what happened.

Well, basically, it’s gonna be really entertaining, sometimes the mic gets stuck and it’ll remain on even if I’m not pushing the button, and so that just happened.

Well, I’ll say, someone came to help me fix it and then the mic just launched itself at my.

.

.

It feels like my collarbone, towards my face, I backed up, and it just went into my collarbone area.

It could be broken.

But my collarbone is not connected to my shoulders so that I can fit through small holes.

Exactly, so you’re fine.

So I’m okay.

Okay.

Well, I’m glad.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Cats can jump up to six times their height.

That would be like a human jumping over a giraffe.

Wow, I gotta watch this show.

Glad you’re okay, Stevie.

Thank you.

Let’s promote “Last Meals.

” Great.

Over on the Mythical Kitchen, they got a series.

If you don’t know about it, “Last Meals” is what it’s called.

It’s wonderful.

It’s when they bring in a guest, Tom Hanks was on the show last month.

Next month you can see yours truly.

You said it’s when they bring in a guest, and then you didn’t say and then what.

Next month you can see me, and what we do is, we talk about what we would love to be our last meal, and then they freaking make it.

Then you answer questions about death and life, and you know, the abyss.

I love it.

It’s a great thing.

Mythical Kitchen is doing a lot of great stuff.

It’s one of the best things.

Go watch it and comment what guests you want Josh to interview next.

That’s right.

Stand up comedian Margaret Cho’s gonna be on there soon as well.

Well, Tom Hanks, Margaret Cho, Link Neal.

Charles Lincoln Neal III.

Pulling out all stops.

A VR simulation of your greatest fantasy.

Okay.

Let me find what’s wrong with this.

Everybody’s on board.

So negative there.

I think it’s just gonna come down to stamina.

You know, it’s like, if you wanna make it to the peak, you gotta put in the work.

And you know, of course, I’m talking about my communal journey with all my closest friends to the top of Mount Mitchell.

Mount Mitchell, that’s right.

There’s no sex involved here.

All of your Instagram ads are all about Mount Mitchell.

Yeah, you recovering slut.

You recovering slut.

I remember now that happening.

Tell us.

And I know why that.

.

.

There’s a hat company, they put all these dumb things on hats, and they had a Mello Yello hat.

Oh, I’ve been wanting a Mello Yello hat, but I can’t get one that’s tall enough.

You were looking for a Mello Yello hat? Yeah, yeah.

Wow, I’ve been searching Mello Yello hats.

And they make the hat, it’s called Old School Hats or something.

They make a lot of snarky.

.

.

They make those hats.

Oh, crap.

We’re both on the hunt for a Mello Yello hat.

So it started advertising those overly sexualized, potentially, I don’t know.

That didn’t reflect positively on me, apparently.

But here’s the cool thing about this company is 10% of all the proceeds go to help recovering sluts.

So you can feel good about- That’s where it came from.

You can feel good about your purchase.

That’s where it came from.

So yeah, I think I might break an ankle.

I’m going back- In your Mount Mitchell VR.

You know, might break an ankle.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.

Might suffer a spinal injury.

You know what, guys, the bottom line is, as great as you think that might be, the resolution is just not there yet.

Waking up to the smell of bacon and getting surprised with breakfast in bed.

But you woke me up.

Like, I was gonna sleep another hour.

Well, and actually the bacon wasn’t for you is the worst part.

The bacon was a gift that was being prepared for someone else and you got turkey bacon.

Because the person who made you breakfast in bed is worried about your cholesterol.

No fun! Might as well eat VR bacon.

You gotta get the bacon and still find a way to be negative about it, man.

Okay, you’re on the verge of a catastrophic cardiac vascular event.

There you go.

All it’s gonna take is one piece of bacon.

Right.

And you had two, my friend.

It’s wild to think- Good luck.

Yeah, like a heart attack could come down to one piece of bacon.

I don’t know how it works, but I guess it’s true.

I think that’s how it works.

It’s like you’re teetering on the edge.

I don’t wanna think about that.

Thanks for the breakfast in bed, that’s what’s killed me.

Yep.

Your prized cow Matilda winning best in show at the state fair.

Oh! Matilda didn’t want to win, because Matilda.

.

.

Tying into a previous one of these, has the ability to speak English and lets you know, listen, you’ve been taking me to this state fair every single year and you know how I don’t like to be the center of attention.

So the last thing that Matilda- Matilda’s embarrassed.

Matilda is dealing with deep shame, because what makes a cow win best in show is not anything that Matilda’s proud of about herself, you know what I’m saying? And so now you’ve got to deal with a depressed cow that was a happy cow up until the point that she won this award for heftiest heifer.

Well, you know what she gets for winning, eaten.

Oh, that’s even worse.

I’m pretty good at this.

Taking a warm bubble bath after a long day of hard physical labor.

Oh.

But you’re sweaty, hairy uncle just got out of that bath, you know? Share the bath.

Those aren’t the kind of bubbles that you think they are.

Those are uncle bubbles.

Uncle bubbles.

Uncle Bubbles, that’s what we started calling him.

Uncle Bubbles.

And to make matters worse, something that you don’t know is that within every single bubble, there is a little bubble boy, just like in that episode of “Seinfeld.

” Yep, he’s in an iron lung? Every time you pop one of those, it’s over for another bubble boy.

So enjoy your bath.

I took a bubble bath a few days ago, and let me tell you, before I did, I said, you know what, I’m gonna take this tray out from the kitchen cabinet and I’m gonna assemble.

.

.

I had some pecans from my aunt, I had a little bit of carrots, julienne sliced with a couple of dollops of hummus.

You put this in the bath? I put this on a plate.

And then I had a big scoop of cookie dough, and a bottle of Topo Chico, I put it all on the tray, I took it upstairs, and I’ve got one of those.

.

.

Well, Christy has one of these planks that goes across our bathtub, I don’t know, so she can put stuff on it.

Like cookie dough.

Oils, salts, rubs.

Clear all that stuff off, put my tray down, sit down in the bathtub, and I sat there and had me a nice little meal, like I was on vacation in my own tub.

I don’t believe in creating that decadent of an experience for yourself at your own home.

There was music playing.

‘Cause then you have nothing to look forward to when you go on vacation.

My dog.

This totally sounds like something Link would do, he’s such a dork.

I know.

Oh my god, I can’t believe he’s telling this story.

Your buttons are on.

Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s the kind of stuff that usually- Treat yo self! Hey, if you haven’t taken bubble bath lately, do it.

If you haven’t taken a bubble bath and enjoyed julienne cut carrots- Do it.

You don’t know what you’re missing.

Do it, whatever floats your boat.

“Last Meals” is Mythical Kitchen’s series all about life, death, and food.

They had Tom Hanks, they’re about to have me and Margaret Cho on the show.

Head over to the Mythical Kitchen channel.