How to become a good friend

Welcome to Good Mythical More.

We talk a lot about being best friends, “Oh, from first grade, over 36 years,” blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

It’s all made up.

Well.

Yeah.

We gotta prove it today with a test of best friendship.

How far have we gone as best friends? I don’t like the sound of that.

First let’s list them all.

Holes in the body.

Nostrils.

Mouth hole.

Eye hole.

Ear hole.

Penis hole Butt hole.

Some people got a belly button that’s got, that you can stick your finger in.

Doesn’t count, but pores.

Ah, just a wound, a cut somebody pokes in there.

Ah, just a wound, you gotta be more specific.

A wound made with a needle.

Okay.

Um, a cut.

Okay, I think we’ll move on from that.

Just when somebody goes like this, and says, “Look at that, there’s a hole.

” A yeah, that is a hole.

Yeah.

I think that’s all the holes.

I think you can make a hair hole.

No, oh, a bald spot? All right, we give up, did we miss any? Did we miss offices? Did we miss any human holes? Maybe follicles, but.

He said pores.

Pores.

Now we swear back here, we’ve done this one before, but you know.

I feel like we have, too.

Yeah.

I feel like we were better this time.

Yeah.

And that’s all that matters, it doesn’t matter.

We were very creative.

It just matters how you grow.

Yeah, yeah.

In your best friendship.

And this time we grew to needle hole and cut.

How are we being tested, Stevie? Like what is this? Is this a published, scientific test? Is this a Cosmo quiz, or is this a Mythical created? It’s a Mythical created.

Okay.

So the best kind.

So top tier.

The best kind.

I have a list of things best friends do, and they range from like, more common everyday things to I can’t believe our friendship went there things.

Friendship.

And so we’re gonna go through each one, and then I do believe there’s a way back to the testing of it all, to calculate who is the better friend based on the answers to these scenarios.

Okay.

Okay.

For instance, “Cleaned up the other person’s bodily fluids in any manner.

” Well, can we ease into this a little bit? Good gracious.

Why not just cleaned up after the other person, because I’ve done that our entire relationship.

It could be like– Oh, gimme a break.

I need a band-aid and– Giving you a break? I’ve given you so many breaks over the years.

Um.

Bodily fluids? Or rough night out, and there’s vomiting, you know? We’ve never once had a rough night out with vomiting.

Yeah, I don’t, I mean I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve vomited in my life.

That one time that I was like, with my head in between my knees on the streets of New York City.

Yeah.

You were also there.

I was there, so I find that hard to believe.

And I didn’t actually vomit.

But there was no cleaning up needed.

I didn’t actually vomit.

Oh really? I thought you did later.

And if you had to vomit I wouldn’t a cleaned it up, I would’ve left it on the streets of New York.

I was speaking to those businessmen on the corner, and.

Boy, it’d be fun to be there right now.

The halal guys right there on 125th, or whatever it is.

I’m surprised I can eat halal guys after that night.

But no, cleaning up bodily fluids? You ever peed on anything that I had to clean up? The first time we lived together in our dorm room, I was the one who would have the designated cleaning day.

Designated cleaning day.

I was the one who provided the vacuum cleaner.

I was the one who said, “Hey, we gotta get this place in shape.

” Bodily fluids were probably everywhere.

Yeah, that’s true.

But I don’t think you can vacuum up bodily fluids, I think you have to scrub, and I don’t remember you scrubbing anything.

I mean, I’ve wiped pee off the seat before I’ve sat down before.

We didn’t share a toilet.

But I’m sure, mine was more accessible than yours, so I know that I– Hold on, but here’s the thing, the specific answer to this question is inconclusive.

Just because you are a cleaner person in general– Inconclusive, inconclusive.

But that might come up later.

All right, inconclusive.

Okay.

I’m the cleaner person, but.

I’m surprised.

I was trying to think if I could apply that to my, well I mean.

Like blood? Most people don’t have a best friend as an adult, but you know, my really good friends.

I mean, I can, I guess.

You don’t have a best friend? Well, it’s kinda, yeah.

You know how most adults don’t say best friends as a term, necessarily? Well, those who don’t have one do.

Well, no.

Or you use it loosely, like I could, like, I’m introducing one of my five good friends.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But they’re by themselves.

Yeah, I get it.

“Oh, that’s my best friend.

” Yeah.

Well Cassie is your best friend.

In that, you know, well then technically.

See, there you go.

There’s, there’s.

Cassie is not her best friend, Cassie is her partner.

Hey, my wife is my best friend, is also my best friend.

You can have two best friends.

Mm, okay, no.

All right.

Is your wife not your best friend? No, she’s my wife.

Okay.

She’s my favorite person, usually.

Okay, okay, um.

I mean, like, I have several meals that are my favorite meal, I don’t have to have one favorite food, you know.

It’s my best meal.

I can have two best friends.

Next question.

I actually have 3, I have 4, actually if you count both of my dogs.

I understand what you’re saying, Stevie.

You don’t need to have a quote “Best friend.

” Yeah, yeah.

“Cut the other person’s hair.

” Many times.

We’ve both done this.

You probably have done it more, because, well, I don’t know.

I think this is pretty even.

Pretty even.

We cut each other’s hair for a long time.

and then we started cutting– In high school.

And then we started cutting our own hair.

Right.

In high school we would cut each other’s hair, but I would cut our friend’s hair.

Well, they’re not here.

But then I needed, I would cut all of our friend’s hair, but then I would need someone to cut my hair, and then that would be you.

Yeah.

I will say that I wasn’t particularly fond of cutting people’s hair, that’s why I didn’t sign up to cut all the other people’s hair.

I was fond of it.

I mean, and it was always a buzz cut.

But again, results inconclusive here though.

Yeah, tied.

I would say tied, yeah, this one’s zero.

But that’s a best friendship thing, we cut each other’s hair for God sakes.

Yeah.

Are we competing? Or are we trying to? Yeah.

Are we trying to? We’re seeing who the better friend is.

Yeah.

Oh.

Smelled the other person’s breath to let them know if it was bad.

This seems like a daily this.

I mean, I think this is kind of, just this is something that happens.

I think that.

Yeah, but it’s not like “Hey, can you smell my breath and tell me?” No, it’s mostly like, “Hey man, “I think you’re having one of those days,” is we might do that to each other.

“You’re having a breath day, Dude.

” You know.

Which isn’t terribly common for either one of us.

You know, we do the monthly hydrogen peroxide gargle, because it does double as a, what does it say on there? An oral debriding agent.

Yeah.

I’ve been using that, what’s that stuff we have now? The doctor something.

Dr.

Zhivago’s Breath Cleanser.

And it works on the same principle, because it doesn’t have alcohol in it.

We did not say it was the best one, but then they shipped it to us and now I’m addicted to it.

And it’s– I have it on my bathroom countertop, and every time I go in the bathroom, I just do a little swish.

But here’s a quick little lifesaving tip, potentially for you out there.

If you’re using alcohol based mouthwash every single day, you are not insignificantly increasing your chance of diabetes.

This is our, this is our– Look it up, you think I’m making crap up? I don’t make crap up.

Oh, you’re talking about diabetes.

Because you’re killing, you’re messing with the microbiome in your mouth, which, I don’t know, it has something to do with heart disease, and diabetes, et cetera.

Don’t be using that stuff, don’t be using that Listerine every single day, okay? Don’t be doing that.

Don’t use alcohol in the mouthwash.

I thought– Next question.

Oh, no, well wait, because I thought what you were saying, Link, is you didn’t, you need to give your speech that you give.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This is the hill that we die on, this is the good that we bring into the world.

Gargle with hydrogen peroxide.

One part hydrogen peroxide, one part water.

One part water, or that doctor whatever it’s called stuff.

Zhivago’s.

Has some of that in it, because that kills the bad bacteria that makes you breath stank.

And you need to do it every month.

And brush your tongue.

And you need to brush your tongue.

Every day.

Don’t walk outta the house without getting that tongue nice and clean.

– Do it, kill that stuff, kill that stuff.

Every day, every day.

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Wow.

“Have you ever lied “to the other person’s parents and/or wives for them?” Yes.

I’m sure.

I’m sure, both probably.

Eh, I would say with wives it was probably.

.

.

strategic for a like party, or something like that.

I mean, we’re not in the habit of like manipulating each other’s wives.

No.

But lying to parents.

There’s certain things that I might know about you that like, I’d be like, “It’s your story to tell.

” So, I might dodge some knowledge.

Knowledge dodging.

I’m a knowledge dodger, but is that a liar? I don’t know, I don’t know anything about that.

I don’t have anything in mind, but.

Yeah, I can’t think of any specific situations.

I know there were times in which we.

.

.

I didn’t do a lot of lying to my parents, I usually just found a way to not tell the whole truth.

Right, different, different thing entirely.

And probably did the same with your mom.

“Taken the other person’s side in an argument, “even when you knew they were wrong.

” That’s such a broad statement, it’s hard to like, for something to come to mind.

Hmm.

This is, I don’t know about this.

Hmm.

Have I ever been wrong? Very, very rarely.

Mm.

Huh, why are they, these questions are hard.

These questions are hard.

You would think somebody who’s known each other for so long would have immediate things that popped to mind.

Well, we have too many things.

It’s just a embarrassment of options.

Um, I can’t think of a specific time when I was like “Link is definitely wrong here, “but you know what I’ll.

” I mean, you’ve definitely gone along with like, “All right, this is where we should eat lunch.

” Yeah.

And you’ve definitely felt like I was wrong about that.

Yeah.

That’s not really taking a side in an argument though, with somebody.

Pass.

Wow, this is engaging, I love it.

I’m trying hard, man, I’m engaged.

Oh, I misread this one.

“Changed the other person’s child’s diaper.

” Oh.

I don’t think we ever did that, dude.

That’s interesting.

I don’t know, did we keep each other’s diaper pooping children, like babysitting type thing? I’m sure, of course, at some point.

But, I don’t know.

I think it’s the type of thing that I felt weird about.

Like, I would let Christie do that.

I’m sure that, I would think that maybe our wives had changed our– Oh, yeah.

Respective kids diapers, but I don’t know if we have.

I’m pretty sure we haven’t.

Okay, same general area, “Gave a firm talking to the other person’s child.

” Okay, this doesn’t make you a better friend, by the way.

This makes you a worse friend.

Well, oh, you mean like a firm talking to? I mean whenever we would do the dad family camping things, certain, you know sometimes it just turns into survival, and you gotta, you’re dictating orders to everybody.

I mean, when my kids were younger you were just an intimidating big person.

Well, it’s the same size I am now.

Yeah, but they were a lot smaller.

I haven’t grown.

So even if you were like just giving them kind of like general advice, I think it might have been taken a little more– But I’m not an intimidating person, I’m just a large, I’m a large size.

Intimidating stature.

Ah, I think we both snapped at the other person’s kids.

Of course, yes, yes, yes.

Mm.

“If you were my child!” I don’t know if I would use the term, I don’t think I’ve ever snapped at your kids.

I could think, I would think that you probably snapped at my kids at some point.

Snipped.

And said something that came out a little too aggressive.

Which again, doesn’t make him a better friend, and that how this one works.

But I think the results to this question are inconclusive.

But we’ve done it.

What? I’m gonna say it.

Just say it.

“Medically examine the other person’s private areas.

” Okay, so this would be a situation where, like “Do I have a leech on my scrod?” “Do I have a mole on my?” “Butt crack?’ No, I was still thinking’s scrod.

Oh, okay.

I don’t think I’ve ever asked you to look at something for diagnosis.

Yeah.

I don’t think I’ve ever asked you to look at something.

Not anything that required the removal of underwear.

Yeah.

No, I mean, I’ve probably looked at some stuff, but not under the underwear.

I mean, I remember the first time I got a hemorrhoid.

And you didn’t show me, and I didn’t ask.

But I didn’t know what was going on down there.

You may have consulted me.

I did have to consult with my wife on that.

Like, that definitely a true best friend.

Oh, and she checked it out? Yeah.

Ay-yai-yai.

Because I didn’t know what it was, and it scared me a lot.

What’d you think it was, a gopher? The gophers finally come out.

We all remember our first, I am right there with you, ole buddy ole pal.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well listen– And according to Christie, it did see its shadow.

Oh gosh! I didn’t say groundhog.

The majority of people have them, and have had them, so it’s nothing to be ashamed about.

I’m in a much better place now.

I mean, how else do you think I keep this one leg up on the desk? Yeah, right.

Um, “Told the other person they liked a gift “they gave them, even when they didn’t.

” Mm.

Now I gave you a gift recently.

Yes, it was supposed to be a Christmas present, and yes it was many months late.

But I liked it.

I did give it to you, and I couldn’t tell if you liked it.

I did like it.

As I’ve established before on this show– It was a– I’m not the guy to give something to if you’re looking for– It was a toiletry bag, of sorts.

A satisfying reaction.

My wife has learned to accept this, ’cause I’m not gonna do unnecessary things that may, I’m not saying that I’m right or wrong, I’m not saying that, I’m just saying that like, I don’t have a lot of reaction, so people might be like, “He must not like that.

” Yeah, but I got in your car, you picked me up this morning and then it was in the floorboard of your car.

Yeah, it is, because.

It’s been weeks.

Here’s the thing.

It’s been weeks.

It migrates.

First of all, you gave me, what did you call it? I call it a fanny pack.

It’s a fanny pack type, toiletry bag type, okay, yeah.

And so like, name a time when I need a fanny pack that I don’t also need my car to get through– Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, can we talk about this? So a toiletry bag usually, you know, you like pack it if you go on a trip or something, you like put on the counter.

In what, like, gimme an example of when you would need those toiletries strapped to your body on the go.

I guess it’s not a toiletry bag.

It’s just like a heavy duty fanny pack.

I just meant like, yeah it’s like a fanny pack.

It’s like if you’re going to Thailand, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it’s like, there might be a time in which the only thing that exists is me and this fanny pack.

And I liked the idea of having one, and then I thought “You know who would like one, my best friend.

” And I thought it was very thoughtful, I really appreciated it.

Thank you, And I just haven’t.

Is that, is that your answer? I haven’t had an occasion to wear it yet, but I just figured.

Listen, let me think of the last thing you got me.

It’s gonna be in my.

Okay, hey listen, I got you some good stuff, man.

You got me a book.

You got me Dave Grohl’s book.

Yeah, I got you Dave Grohl’s book.

That’s right.

Actually, I got you Dave Grohl’s book, and another book that was “The History of Music of Laurel Canyon.

” That’s right.

Did you read that? Um-hm.

Have you, have you read Dave Grohl’s book? Ah, no.

I hear Dave Grohl’s book is awesome.

I started reading it.

And then you’re like, “I could listen to this.

” Yeah.

No.

Oh.

I was just like, “It’s good to have a book “that you’re actually gonna read,” and then I’ve just never gotten around to it.

But it’s not in the floorboard of my car.

It’s where my books are.

Yeah, listen, your fanny pack is where all my other fanny packs are.

In the floorboard of my car.

Next question.

Inconclusive.

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