Since the inception of this channel all the way back in 2019, it has been a time-honoured tradition that, each year around Valentine’s Day, we chronicle the finest selection of man-meat that the video games industry has to offer.
Some might say that two thirty-year-old men and a twelve-year-old girl ogling digital fit lads is inappropriate and in poor taste, and to those people we say “shut up and let us have our innuendo-laden fun.”
Indeed, it is that time of year, once again, where we here at Team TripleJump take a look back at the past twelve months – or more specifically, the pixelated sexy boys that have populated them – with affection in our hearts, butterflies in our tummies, and blueness in our b…
[off-mic] Nope, nope, nope. That one’s too spicy for YouTube.
The rules are quite simple: If you are a) a hunky boy and 2) in a video game, you’re eligible for inclusion on this list. Get those dehumidifiers running, ladies, gentlemen, and others, because things are going to get rather steamy.
Oh, and before you lose yourselves in this sea of dreamboats, we should warn you that there may be one or two spoilers up ahead. We apologise, but when we get talking about these studs, we just can’t help ourselves.
I’m Ben, I’m Peter, and I’m Ashton from TripleJump, and here are the 15 Hunkiest Video Game Boys 2022-2023.
15. Lieutenant Simon “Ghost” Riley – Call of Duty: Modern Warfare II
We’re kicking off this year’s Hunky Boys video with a real mysterious fellow. We COD fans were first acquainted with Lieutenant Simon Riley, or Ghost as he’s better known, in 2009’s Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, and after over a decade of swooning, we’ve finally been able to include him on one of these lists thanks to… Call of Duty: Modern Warfare II. Yes, we know it’s confusing, but try not to worry about it and just get back to swooning.
ThisBritish special forces operative can usually be found undertaking covert missions and taking down bad guys for the good of mankind, but after several years of selflessly serving others, we think its high time that he got taken care of for once. Of course, by that we mean intimately, and not the other way.
Indeed, nothing would bring us more joy than to see Ghost putting the arse in arsearseination by recovering our intel, if you get what I’m saying. We’re certain that under all of that military gear there’s a body that’s absolutely to die for, though we don’t mind if he doesn’t take it all off. In fact, keep the balaclava on. It’s naughtier that way…
14. Guybrush Threepwood – Return to Monkey Island
Swashbuckling stunner, Guybrush Threepwood, has been around since before most of us here at Team TripleJump were born, so for many of us, he’s been something of a lifelong crush. We haven’t been able to share our feelings until now though, as we haven’t had a brush with Guy in over a decade, and oh boy have we missed him.
Luckily, our lonely nights are at an end, as Guybrush came back in 2022 and made his Return to Monkey Island. Admittedly, he’s had a bit of a makeover since we last saw him, but he’s still got those long, flowing, blond locks and that cheeky look about him, and as such, we continue to swoon.
Not only is Guybrush the adventurous type, meaning that he certainly knows how to show us a good time, but he’s also a pirate, which surely tells us that he knows his way around booty. He’s also witty, intelligent, and highly charming, so even when he’s not giving you a Jolly Rogering, you can be sure of a great time. Yes, he’s a little clumsy, but that just makes him all the more endearing.
Let’s just say that he can Guybrush our Threepwood anytime.
13. Woody – Disney Dreamlight Valley
The world of Disney is full to bursting with handsome fellas, but I’ll be honest, a human gent can’t always hit the right spot, and every so often, it’s worth bringing a toy into the bedroom to spice things up a bit.
Of course, I’m talking about Woody of Toy Story and Disney Dreamlight Valley fame. Why, what were you thinking?
This diminutive Adonis made his way to Disney Dreamlight Valley in December 2022, and I tell you, it wasn’t just Christmas that came early that year. From his hat all the way down to his boots, this plaything is every inch the hunk. Plus, if he’s got a snake in his boot, where else do you think he has one?
You just know that you can rely on him to take care of you both in and out of the bedroom, so whether he’s poisoning your waterhole or simply taking his favourite deputy out to dinner, you’re in for a good time.
Not to mention the fact that if Woody just isn’t enough of a toy for you, then you can always ask Buzz to lend a helping hand. Brings a whole new meaning to “You’ve got a friend in me” doesn’t it?
12. Cassidy – Overwatch 2
It seems that we just couldn’t get enough of sexy cowboys this past year, but not one of them had our six-shooters firing quite like Overwatch 2’s Cole Cassidy. If that southern drawl and those abs don’t get you going, I don’t know what will.
This charming sharpshooter has been in our hearts since the release of 2016’s Overwatch, but it’s only thanks to his appearance in 2022’s Overwatch 2 that we’ve finally been able to induct him into the Hunky Hall of Fame. Yes, such a thing exists, and no, you don’t want to touch any of the surfaces. Definitely don’t shine a blacklight in there either.
Cassidy can usually be found gunning down his enemies with his Peacekeeper revolver, but although he may well be a fighter in the streets, you just know that this poncho-loving lad is dynamite in the sheets. After all, that bionic arm must have both a business and a pleasure function, right?
Sure, he’s got something of a scandalous past, having previously been a member of the Deadlock Gang, but we think that all that this rugged rogue needs is someone to pour him a delicious glass of hard liquor and fan his hammer.
11. Chewbacca – Lego Star Wars: The Skywalker Saga
Now, don’t get us wrong, we’re all for a well-groomed man, but just occasionally we feel the need to cleanse our palettes with someone a little more… wild.
Of course, we’ve been fantasizing about this big, hairy boy ever since we first clapped eyes on him in Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope, and for years, we haven’t been able to get that giant, sexy rug out of our minds.
Sadly, the world of video games didn’t give us the full-sized Chewbacca in 2022, so we’ve had to make do with his shiny, plastic counterpart instead. I say make do, but Lego Chewbacca is almost as hunky as the real thing, and has the added bonus of being completely portable so you can take that lovin’ on the go.
Will he hurt your feet if you accidentally step on him in the night? He will, but hey, love hurts, and we’re happy to look past the odd arch injury if it means we get to cuddle up with Chewy and have a play with his bowcaster. Just imagine how big a lightsaber would look in those tiny Lego hands. Ooft, I’m coming over all woozy just thinking about it.
10. The Dragon Lord – Tiny Tina’s Wonderlands
We turn our attention now to a hunky boy who really puts the Deez nutz in D&Deez nutz. The Dragon Lord may be bad, but who doesn’t love a guy with power? Plus, maybe we can fix him!
The Dragon Lord made his titillating debut in Tiny Tina’s Wonderlands, and although we were disappointed by some aspects of the game, its chief antagonist more than made up for it.
A powerful necromancer, the Dragon Lord is on a mission to eradicate the stain of heroism from the world, and we can think of a few stains of his own we’d like him to make. He’s tall, he glows, he’s got a bloomin’ massive sword, and he has an entire army of skeletons at his command, so you know he’s great with bones.
There’s also an added bonus if you’re into feet, because by golly, would you look at those toes? I personally, am not a foot person, or at least, I wasn’t before, though with that said… Those are very shapely piggies you’ve got there, Mr. Dragon Lord, sir.
All of this is to say that the Dragon Lord might not be a diamond pony, but he can still be our Butt Stallion. [make a horse noise if you’re able/comfortable]
9. Ash Williams – Evil Dead: The Game
Clearly, 2022 was a great year for folks who love super-hot dudes with missing appendages. First Cole Cassidy, now this hunk. Thankfully though, Ash Williams of Evil Dead: The Game fame, isn’t missing the appendage that we’re interested in.
Indeed, he might have a chainsaw for a hand and spends his days using it to chop Deadites to bits, but don’t let that put you off because we’re sure that this icon of horror has plenty of love to give. After all, whilst the Kandarian Demon is interested in getting up, close, and personal with its victims, it’s not exactly in the way any of us would enjoy, and we’re certain that Ash would much rather spend an evening possessing our bodies than being possessed himself.
If his rugged good looks and aptitude at dispatching monsties isn’t enough to get you going, then let me remind you that chainsaw detaches, and we reckon ol’ Ash probably has plenty of additional attachments at the ready, designed with your pleasure in mind.
Perhaps a whisk to whip you up a delicious souffle? A lighter to light some romantic candles? Then, one or two more special gadgets to really exorcise your demons. The possibilities really are endless.
8. Alfred – Gotham Knights
You might think that, in order to qualify for hunky boy status, you need to be young and muscular, but you’d be wrong. Here at Team TripleJump, we don’t discriminate, and just because you’re lacking in the biceps department and are old enough to draw your pension, it doesn’t mean that we won’t find you drool-worthy. Case in point: the Gotham Knights’ aide, Alfred Pennyworth.
We do love a silver fox, and Alfred is both a grey-haired sex bomb and a sophisticated gentleman to boot that would be willing to cater to your every need. Yes, he might not have Nightwing’s acrobatic abilities or the physical strength of Red Hood, but Alfred more than makes up for it with experience, and let’s face it, that’s far more important than being able to tie yourself in knots. Just make sure he’s had his cod liver oil capsule before things get too steamy.
We also imagine that Alfred has access to all of Batman’s old gadgets, and you’re not telling me that ol’ Brucey Dubs didn’t have Lucius Fox knock him together a couple of things to impress the ladies.
Why, yes Alfred, I certainly would like to try the Bat-Plugs this evening.
7. Shaggy – MultiVersus
What could be more appealing than a man who literally has the word “shag” in his name? Well, according to this list, at least six other blokes, but that’s by the by.
Shaggy himself has actually been in the spotlight since 1969 (very nice), appearing in both TV shows and movies, but he’s only dipped his toe into the video game pool a few times, with one such instance being 2022’s MultiVersus, in which he can be found giving the likes of Bugs Bunny and Superman what for.
Outside of battle, however, Shaggy’s a chilled-out dude who just wants to kick back with some good food, and what could possibly be better for dessert than three young, attractive, YouTubers? How’s about a second helping, big boy, you know you want to.
When you’re not both butt naked banging on the bathroom floor or feeding each other Scooby Snacks, what better way to spend your date night than cruising around in the Mystery Machine, solving crimes, and hitting up all of the tastiest hot spots in town? There’d never be a dull moment, that’s for sure.
And if nothing else, we bet he’s great at doing it doggy style.
6. Splinter – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Shredder’s Revenge
We’ve come across our fair share of love rats in our time, but never have we loved a rat before now. There’s a first time for everything, I suppose.
Indeed, if you’re on the lookout for a man with wisdom, experience, and a lot of hair, then you could do far worse than to direct your attention to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ master, Splinter.
Whether you’re looking for some sage advice or simply a big, furry fella to snuggle up to, Splinter has you covered. First and foremost, he’s a master of martial arts, but with all of his knowledge, we’re sure that he could translate some of those moves into manoeuvres in the bedroom.
Oh, and don’t let that cane fool you, because this old rat’s as spry as any young man, and if he’s capable of jumping through the air to deliver a high kick, then he can just as easily jump right into your bed.
Even if you’re not in the mood for any of that though, you know that there’s a nice relaxing time awaiting you with Splinter, so grab some desserts, put some soaps on the telly (we’re told those are his very favourite things), and let the romance begin.
5. Chris Hackett – The Quarry
Before you all scream “Peter, why would you want to date Chris Hackett? He’s a literal werewolf,” take a moment to reflect on yourself, and think about whether you have any flaws. Yeah, not so perfect either, are you?
This Kumbaya-singing beefcake came to us in 2022 courtesy of The Quarry, a game in which several teens find themselves stranded in a summer camp overnight just as the full moon hits and is beset by werewolves.
If you look past the whole mortal peril thing though, you’ll actually find that Hackett’s Quarry, the summer camp in question, is quite the romantic spot, and who better to enjoy it with than head honcho, Chris Hackett? He’s handsome, a business owner, and a family man, as well as being a thoughtful, considerate guy, so you just know he’s going to take care of your every need.
Why not snuggle up by the campfire and cook up some s’mores, take a romantic stroll down by the lake, then retire to Chris’ quarters and let him get his claws into you?
Just make sure to bring a lunar calendar with you, after all, we wouldn’t want any lycanthropy-related accidents now, would we?
4. Varl – Horizon Forbidden West
The world of Horizon Zero Dawn and its 2022 sequel, Horizon Forbidden West, seems like a less than ideal place to go searching for love. Admittedly, dating in the real world isn’t exactly a walk in the park, but trying to find yourself a romantic partner whilst dealing with the ever-looming threat of being killed by a mechanical camel doesn’t bear thinking about. Fortuitously, we’ve already set our sights on a piece of man meat so delectable that, were he ours, we’d probably never have to leave the safety of the tribe ever again.
There’s much more to Varl than just a pretty face though, so not only would he make for an exhilarating bedroom companion, but he’d also treat you right. He’s a patient, understanding man who’d be more than happy to listen to your problems, and should any of those pesky machines cause any issues then his prowess as a warrior would ensure that both of you were safe.
Oh, and did we mention just how sexy he looks in all of that armour? You know, no matter how many hunks I see, I’ll never get tired of men in leather. Mm-mmm.
3. Iron Fist Alexander – Elden Ring
We’re not going to lie; we had a hard time picking just one hunky boy from the veritable smorgasbord that were on offer in FromSoftware’s open-world RPG, Elden Ring. We almost went with Godrick the Grafted on the grounds that, in our opinion, there’s no such thing as having too many arms, but then we remembered that there’s one curvaceous lad in the Lands Between who is not only a simmering pot of love, but who’s an utter gentleman to boot.
This rotund NPC can be found in Northern Stormhill, but when players first stumble across him, he’s in quite the predicament. You see, those metallic cheeks are so thicc that this poor round boy has gotten himself stuck in the ground. Not to worry though, because all he needs is “a good smack from behind with something nice and big,” his words, not mine, to get him on his way.
That mighty wallop of yours, again, his words, not mine, might be too much for him to handle, but regardless, he’s still appreciative of a helping hand, so those who do give this hot cauldron a little smack on the bottom will be rewarded with his exalted flesh. Kinky.
2. Fiat 500 F ’68 – Gran Turismo 7
Are you looking for a man that can really rev your engine? Then look no further than the Fiat 500 F ’68. We can only speculate what the F stands for, but I think we have a good idea, if you catch my drift. That’s a motor racing term for you, right there.
Featured in every Gran Turismo since GT5, but most recently appearing in 2022’s Gran Turismo 7, this compact chap might be small, but he can certainly get you where you’re looking to go. Yeah, he might not be as flashy as the likes of the Bugatti Chiron or the Audi R8, but this curvy lad still has enough oomph to get things moving.
If you want to take things slow and steady, the Fiat 500 F ’68 has you covered, and if you want things to get a bit racy, he’s got a whopping 16 break horsepower under that little hood of his, not to mention a surprising amount of space in his trunk, in which we assume he stores plenty of junk.
Plus, if you’re lucky, he’ll let you turn that ’68 into a ’69. We’re not sure how that would work logistically, but we’re certain there’s a way.
1. Mimir – God of War: Ragnarök
Upon God of War: Ragnarök’s release in November 2022, we were very pleased to find that our favourite horny hunk had made a return. Of course, we’ve known Mimir for a little while, having first met him whilst he was having some serious wood trouble in 2018’s God of War.
Don’t be fooled by appearances, because what this sexpot lacks in body, he more than makes up for in brains. How many dates have you gone on where the conversation is utterly non-existent? Well, there’s no danger of that with Mimir, because this handsome fellow has centuries worth of tales to keep you on the edge of your seat. Pour a glass of wine, snuggle down in those furs, and while away the hours together. I’m sure he’s got a naughty story or two in his repertoire.
Additionally, those magical peepers of his can whisk you away at a moment’s notice to the most romantic destinations in the nine realms, show you all kinds of wondrous images, and uncover all of your dirty little secrets.
And, if none of that is enough for you, then it’s worth remembering that he’s great at spooning and really good at giving head. So, congratulations to Mimir, the official TripleJump sexiest video game male 2022.
The 15 Hunkiest Video Game Boys 2022-2023
Since the inception of this channel all the way back in 2019, it has been a time-honoured tradition that, each year around Valentine’s Day, we chronicle the finest selection of man-meat that the video games industry has to offer.
Some might say that two thirty-year-old men and a twelve-year-old girl ogling digital fit lads is inappropriate and in poor taste, and to those people we say “shut up and let us have our innuendo-laden fun.”
Indeed, it is that time of year, once again, where we here at Team TripleJump take a look back at the past twelve months – or more specifically, the pixelated sexy boys that have populated them – with affection in our hearts, butterflies in our tummies, and blueness in our b…
[off-mic] Nope, nope, nope. That one’s too spicy for YouTube.
The rules are quite simple: If you are a) a hunky boy and 2) in a video game, you’re eligible for inclusion on this list. Get those dehumidifiers running, ladies, gentlemen, and others, because things are going to get rather steamy.
Oh, and before you lose yourselves in this sea of dreamboats, we should warn you that there may be one or two spoilers up ahead. We apologise, but when we get talking about these studs, we just can’t help ourselves.
I’m Ben, I’m Peter, and I’m Ashton from TripleJump, and here are the 15 Hunkiest Video Game Boys 2022-2023.
15. Lieutenant Simon “Ghost” Riley – Call of Duty: Modern Warfare II
We’re kicking off this year’s Hunky Boys video with a real mysterious fellow. We COD fans were first acquainted with Lieutenant Simon Riley, or Ghost as he’s better known, in 2009’s Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, and after over a decade of swooning, we’ve finally been able to include him on one of these lists thanks to… Call of Duty: Modern Warfare II. Yes, we know it’s confusing, but try not to worry about it and just get back to swooning.
ThisBritish special forces operative can usually be found undertaking covert missions and taking down bad guys for the good of mankind, but after several years of selflessly serving others, we think its high time that he got taken care of for once. Of course, by that we mean intimately, and not the other way.
Indeed, nothing would bring us more joy than to see Ghost putting the arse in arsearseination by recovering our intel, if you get what I’m saying. We’re certain that under all of that military gear there’s a body that’s absolutely to die for, though we don’t mind if he doesn’t take it all off. In fact, keep the balaclava on. It’s naughtier that way…
14. Guybrush Threepwood – Return to Monkey Island
Swashbuckling stunner, Guybrush Threepwood, has been around since before most of us here at Team TripleJump were born, so for many of us, he’s been something of a lifelong crush. We haven’t been able to share our feelings until now though, as we haven’t had a brush with Guy in over a decade, and oh boy have we missed him.
Luckily, our lonely nights are at an end, as Guybrush came back in 2022 and made his Return to Monkey Island. Admittedly, he’s had a bit of a makeover since we last saw him, but he’s still got those long, flowing, blond locks and that cheeky look about him, and as such, we continue to swoon.
Not only is Guybrush the adventurous type, meaning that he certainly knows how to show us a good time, but he’s also a pirate, which surely tells us that he knows his way around booty. He’s also witty, intelligent, and highly charming, so even when he’s not giving you a Jolly Rogering, you can be sure of a great time. Yes, he’s a little clumsy, but that just makes him all the more endearing.
Let’s just say that he can Guybrush our Threepwood anytime.
13. Woody – Disney Dreamlight Valley
The world of Disney is full to bursting with handsome fellas, but I’ll be honest, a human gent can’t always hit the right spot, and every so often, it’s worth bringing a toy into the bedroom to spice things up a bit.
Of course, I’m talking about Woody of Toy Story and Disney Dreamlight Valley fame. Why, what were you thinking?
This diminutive Adonis made his way to Disney Dreamlight Valley in December 2022, and I tell you, it wasn’t just Christmas that came early that year. From his hat all the way down to his boots, this plaything is every inch the hunk. Plus, if he’s got a snake in his boot, where else do you think he has one?
You just know that you can rely on him to take care of you both in and out of the bedroom, so whether he’s poisoning your waterhole or simply taking his favourite deputy out to dinner, you’re in for a good time.
Not to mention the fact that if Woody just isn’t enough of a toy for you, then you can always ask Buzz to lend a helping hand. Brings a whole new meaning to “You’ve got a friend in me” doesn’t it?
12. Cassidy – Overwatch 2
It seems that we just couldn’t get enough of sexy cowboys this past year, but not one of them had our six-shooters firing quite like Overwatch 2’s Cole Cassidy. If that southern drawl and those abs don’t get you going, I don’t know what will.
This charming sharpshooter has been in our hearts since the release of 2016’s Overwatch, but it’s only thanks to his appearance in 2022’s Overwatch 2 that we’ve finally been able to induct him into the Hunky Hall of Fame. Yes, such a thing exists, and no, you don’t want to touch any of the surfaces. Definitely don’t shine a blacklight in there either.
Cassidy can usually be found gunning down his enemies with his Peacekeeper revolver, but although he may well be a fighter in the streets, you just know that this poncho-loving lad is dynamite in the sheets. After all, that bionic arm must have both a business and a pleasure function, right?
Sure, he’s got something of a scandalous past, having previously been a member of the Deadlock Gang, but we think that all that this rugged rogue needs is someone to pour him a delicious glass of hard liquor and fan his hammer.
11. Chewbacca – Lego Star Wars: The Skywalker Saga
Now, don’t get us wrong, we’re all for a well-groomed man, but just occasionally we feel the need to cleanse our palettes with someone a little more… wild.
Of course, we’ve been fantasizing about this big, hairy boy ever since we first clapped eyes on him in Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope, and for years, we haven’t been able to get that giant, sexy rug out of our minds.
Sadly, the world of video games didn’t give us the full-sized Chewbacca in 2022, so we’ve had to make do with his shiny, plastic counterpart instead. I say make do, but Lego Chewbacca is almost as hunky as the real thing, and has the added bonus of being completely portable so you can take that lovin’ on the go.
Will he hurt your feet if you accidentally step on him in the night? He will, but hey, love hurts, and we’re happy to look past the odd arch injury if it means we get to cuddle up with Chewy and have a play with his bowcaster. Just imagine how big a lightsaber would look in those tiny Lego hands. Ooft, I’m coming over all woozy just thinking about it.
10. The Dragon Lord – Tiny Tina’s Wonderlands
We turn our attention now to a hunky boy who really puts the Deez nutz in D&Deez nutz. The Dragon Lord may be bad, but who doesn’t love a guy with power? Plus, maybe we can fix him!
The Dragon Lord made his titillating debut in Tiny Tina’s Wonderlands, and although we were disappointed by some aspects of the game, its chief antagonist more than made up for it.
A powerful necromancer, the Dragon Lord is on a mission to eradicate the stain of heroism from the world, and we can think of a few stains of his own we’d like him to make. He’s tall, he glows, he’s got a bloomin’ massive sword, and he has an entire army of skeletons at his command, so you know he’s great with bones.
There’s also an added bonus if you’re into feet, because by golly, would you look at those toes? I personally, am not a foot person, or at least, I wasn’t before, though with that said… Those are very shapely piggies you’ve got there, Mr. Dragon Lord, sir.
All of this is to say that the Dragon Lord might not be a diamond pony, but he can still be our Butt Stallion. [make a horse noise if you’re able/comfortable]
9. Ash Williams – Evil Dead: The Game
Clearly, 2022 was a great year for folks who love super-hot dudes with missing appendages. First Cole Cassidy, now this hunk. Thankfully though, Ash Williams of Evil Dead: The Game fame, isn’t missing the appendage that we’re interested in.
Indeed, he might have a chainsaw for a hand and spends his days using it to chop Deadites to bits, but don’t let that put you off because we’re sure that this icon of horror has plenty of love to give. After all, whilst the Kandarian Demon is interested in getting up, close, and personal with its victims, it’s not exactly in the way any of us would enjoy, and we’re certain that Ash would much rather spend an evening possessing our bodies than being possessed himself.
If his rugged good looks and aptitude at dispatching monsties isn’t enough to get you going, then let me remind you that chainsaw detaches, and we reckon ol’ Ash probably has plenty of additional attachments at the ready, designed with your pleasure in mind.
Perhaps a whisk to whip you up a delicious souffle? A lighter to light some romantic candles? Then, one or two more special gadgets to really exorcise your demons. The possibilities really are endless.
8. Alfred – Gotham Knights
You might think that, in order to qualify for hunky boy status, you need to be young and muscular, but you’d be wrong. Here at Team TripleJump, we don’t discriminate, and just because you’re lacking in the biceps department and are old enough to draw your pension, it doesn’t mean that we won’t find you drool-worthy. Case in point: the Gotham Knights’ aide, Alfred Pennyworth.
We do love a silver fox, and Alfred is both a grey-haired sex bomb and a sophisticated gentleman to boot that would be willing to cater to your every need. Yes, he might not have Nightwing’s acrobatic abilities or the physical strength of Red Hood, but Alfred more than makes up for it with experience, and let’s face it, that’s far more important than being able to tie yourself in knots. Just make sure he’s had his cod liver oil capsule before things get too steamy.
We also imagine that Alfred has access to all of Batman’s old gadgets, and you’re not telling me that ol’ Brucey Dubs didn’t have Lucius Fox knock him together a couple of things to impress the ladies.
Why, yes Alfred, I certainly would like to try the Bat-Plugs this evening.
7. Shaggy – MultiVersus
What could be more appealing than a man who literally has the word “shag” in his name? Well, according to this list, at least six other blokes, but that’s by the by.
Shaggy himself has actually been in the spotlight since 1969 (very nice), appearing in both TV shows and movies, but he’s only dipped his toe into the video game pool a few times, with one such instance being 2022’s MultiVersus, in which he can be found giving the likes of Bugs Bunny and Superman what for.
Outside of battle, however, Shaggy’s a chilled-out dude who just wants to kick back with some good food, and what could possibly be better for dessert than three young, attractive, YouTubers? How’s about a second helping, big boy, you know you want to.
When you’re not both butt naked banging on the bathroom floor or feeding each other Scooby Snacks, what better way to spend your date night than cruising around in the Mystery Machine, solving crimes, and hitting up all of the tastiest hot spots in town? There’d never be a dull moment, that’s for sure.
And if nothing else, we bet he’s great at doing it doggy style.
6. Splinter – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Shredder’s Revenge
We’ve come across our fair share of love rats in our time, but never have we loved a rat before now. There’s a first time for everything, I suppose.
Indeed, if you’re on the lookout for a man with wisdom, experience, and a lot of hair, then you could do far worse than to direct your attention to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ master, Splinter.
Whether you’re looking for some sage advice or simply a big, furry fella to snuggle up to, Splinter has you covered. First and foremost, he’s a master of martial arts, but with all of his knowledge, we’re sure that he could translate some of those moves into manoeuvres in the bedroom.
Oh, and don’t let that cane fool you, because this old rat’s as spry as any young man, and if he’s capable of jumping through the air to deliver a high kick, then he can just as easily jump right into your bed.
Even if you’re not in the mood for any of that though, you know that there’s a nice relaxing time awaiting you with Splinter, so grab some desserts, put some soaps on the telly (we’re told those are his very favourite things), and let the romance begin.
5. Chris Hackett – The Quarry
Before you all scream “Peter, why would you want to date Chris Hackett? He’s a literal werewolf,” take a moment to reflect on yourself, and think about whether you have any flaws. Yeah, not so perfect either, are you?
This Kumbaya-singing beefcake came to us in 2022 courtesy of The Quarry, a game in which several teens find themselves stranded in a summer camp overnight just as the full moon hits and is beset by werewolves.
If you look past the whole mortal peril thing though, you’ll actually find that Hackett’s Quarry, the summer camp in question, is quite the romantic spot, and who better to enjoy it with than head honcho, Chris Hackett? He’s handsome, a business owner, and a family man, as well as being a thoughtful, considerate guy, so you just know he’s going to take care of your every need.
Why not snuggle up by the campfire and cook up some s’mores, take a romantic stroll down by the lake, then retire to Chris’ quarters and let him get his claws into you?
Just make sure to bring a lunar calendar with you, after all, we wouldn’t want any lycanthropy-related accidents now, would we?
4. Varl – Horizon Forbidden West
The world of Horizon Zero Dawn and its 2022 sequel, Horizon Forbidden West, seems like a less than ideal place to go searching for love. Admittedly, dating in the real world isn’t exactly a walk in the park, but trying to find yourself a romantic partner whilst dealing with the ever-looming threat of being killed by a mechanical camel doesn’t bear thinking about. Fortuitously, we’ve already set our sights on a piece of man meat so delectable that, were he ours, we’d probably never have to leave the safety of the tribe ever again.
There’s much more to Varl than just a pretty face though, so not only would he make for an exhilarating bedroom companion, but he’d also treat you right. He’s a patient, understanding man who’d be more than happy to listen to your problems, and should any of those pesky machines cause any issues then his prowess as a warrior would ensure that both of you were safe.
Oh, and did we mention just how sexy he looks in all of that armour? You know, no matter how many hunks I see, I’ll never get tired of men in leather. Mm-mmm.
3. Iron Fist Alexander – Elden Ring
We’re not going to lie; we had a hard time picking just one hunky boy from the veritable smorgasbord that were on offer in FromSoftware’s open-world RPG, Elden Ring. We almost went with Godrick the Grafted on the grounds that, in our opinion, there’s no such thing as having too many arms, but then we remembered that there’s one curvaceous lad in the Lands Between who is not only a simmering pot of love, but who’s an utter gentleman to boot.
This rotund NPC can be found in Northern Stormhill, but when players first stumble across him, he’s in quite the predicament. You see, those metallic cheeks are so thicc that this poor round boy has gotten himself stuck in the ground. Not to worry though, because all he needs is “a good smack from behind with something nice and big,” his words, not mine, to get him on his way.
That mighty wallop of yours, again, his words, not mine, might be too much for him to handle, but regardless, he’s still appreciative of a helping hand, so those who do give this hot cauldron a little smack on the bottom will be rewarded with his exalted flesh. Kinky.
2. Fiat 500 F ’68 – Gran Turismo 7
Are you looking for a man that can really rev your engine? Then look no further than the Fiat 500 F ’68. We can only speculate what the F stands for, but I think we have a good idea, if you catch my drift. That’s a motor racing term for you, right there.
Featured in every Gran Turismo since GT5, but most recently appearing in 2022’s Gran Turismo 7, this compact chap might be small, but he can certainly get you where you’re looking to go. Yeah, he might not be as flashy as the likes of the Bugatti Chiron or the Audi R8, but this curvy lad still has enough oomph to get things moving.
If you want to take things slow and steady, the Fiat 500 F ’68 has you covered, and if you want things to get a bit racy, he’s got a whopping 16 break horsepower under that little hood of his, not to mention a surprising amount of space in his trunk, in which we assume he stores plenty of junk.
Plus, if you’re lucky, he’ll let you turn that ’68 into a ’69. We’re not sure how that would work logistically, but we’re certain there’s a way.
1. Mimir – God of War: Ragnarök
Upon God of War: Ragnarök’s release in November 2022, we were very pleased to find that our favourite horny hunk had made a return. Of course, we’ve known Mimir for a little while, having first met him whilst he was having some serious wood trouble in 2018’s God of War.
Don’t be fooled by appearances, because what this sexpot lacks in body, he more than makes up for in brains. How many dates have you gone on where the conversation is utterly non-existent? Well, there’s no danger of that with Mimir, because this handsome fellow has centuries worth of tales to keep you on the edge of your seat. Pour a glass of wine, snuggle down in those furs, and while away the hours together. I’m sure he’s got a naughty story or two in his repertoire.
Additionally, those magical peepers of his can whisk you away at a moment’s notice to the most romantic destinations in the nine realms, show you all kinds of wondrous images, and uncover all of your dirty little secrets.
And, if none of that is enough for you, then it’s worth remembering that he’s great at spooning and really good at giving head. So, congratulations to Mimir, the official TripleJump sexiest video game male 2022.
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